Hook Us With Your First Page # 1
Are we ready to have some fun now?
It's the first installment of HOOK US WITH YOUR FIRST PAGE!
Our first entry is from Paul R. Miller who writes fantasy and fiction.
Now, it's your turn to let Paul know where he stands with this. Is it gripping? Does it hook you?
Help Paul out by commenting in the comment box.
Chapter One
1
It was the pizza that did him in.
Oh, he knew that the accident report – because there would be one, God knew why, it was so stupid, but there it was – would probably list “cell phone usage”as a contributing factor, and the cops were sure to give him a lecture about distracted driving on top of whatever tickets they were sure to issue, but Jason knew it wasn’t the phone. The only thing distracting about his driving had been his incredible craving for a pizza. Not just any old pie, either. No, it was to be a bacon cheddar cheeseburger pizza. Lightly browned, hand-tossed crust, big chunks of beef mixed in with bits of bacon and sprinkled with cheddar cheese. The stuff dreams were made of.
Jason didn’t think he was one of those people everyone hated, one of those idiots who just couldn’t seem to grasp the simple concept of multi-tasking. He had never understood what was so difficult about talking on the cell while driving, what made people forget about everything else and veer into other people’s lanes or sit for two minutes at a green light.
And it wasn’t just driving that seemed to screw those people up. No, the phone seemed to complicate even the simplest of activities. He could be sitting in a coffee shop, quietly reading a book, when some moron’s phone would ring. Jason could never figure out why people couldn’t make their phones silent while out in public. It also seemed to take most people three or four rings – disturbingly loud rings – before their stupid hands figured out how to answer the damn things.
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Please leave Paul a comment or two to let him know whether he's hooked YOU with his first page!
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Looking good, Paul!
ReplyDeleteDidn't hook me. Almost did with the first line, but it kinda got blown away after that. As Joyce said, needs to be more concise, more intense, less descriptive.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback so far! Yes, I agree, I think I need to increase the momentum initially. There's always time for profile a bit later.
ReplyDeleteAs it stands right now, there's really not anything to catch my interest. And if you say he's not a very likeable person, what's to make me want to like him as your main character? What would be my reason for reading on instead of closing the book and never looking at it again? Chances are, with this as your first page, I wouldn't buy it to begin with as when I buy books, I read the first page, a page or two in the middle, and the cover blurb.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first line, although I didn't expect it in the fantasy genre! But the rest of the rant about cell phones wouldn't compell me to buy the whole book (if it's supposed to be fantasy) because I've read too many cell phone usage rants in humor books before. If you give the description later (a few pages in) and hit with some more action in this lead-in, I think you'll have something stronger. For instance, why did he end up with a ticket from the cops? Was there an accident? Was he in the wrong lane at the wrong time? What DID cause the accident if it wasn't the cell? It couldn't have just been hunger pains, says the logical reader wanting desperately for it to have been a troll stepping onto the road in his path or something cool like that.
ReplyDeleteNice to see a clean MS so far, though! Gotta give props to someone who takes the time to get the mechanics right!
Sandy L.
I agree with Joyce. The first line was a grabber. Then I got lost. Maybe, because the pizza didn't sound all that good to me??? I also think you need a little better transition between the pizza and people with their 'cell phones'.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first line, but didn't care for the rest. I thought the character sounded a bit petulant and wasn't sure how it all tied everything together with your main story, which you said was fantasy.
ReplyDeleteThanks again everyone! Well, thanks to everyone except the spambot that hit just below Angelle's comment. Speaking of Angelle, you're right, he does sound rather petulant. I'll definitely do some changing around. As Jen implied, I need to hook the reader with the first page. Sandy, thanks for the props on mechanics!
ReplyDeleteThanks *EVERYONE* for your feedback. This is the first time I've put any of my work -- other than my blogs, which are rather politically incorrect -- out for anyone to critique, and you all have been fantastic!
Paul, I have to tell you...you've been such a trooper! You take constructive criticism so well. And it's all meant to help. Good luck to you, man, and keep checking back for more comments!
ReplyDeleteI should make it a point to note that this will be a novel that is set in our modern world but has elements of fantasy all over it. If you've ever gone for a wallk late at night and started wondering what would happen if a demon or monster from one of your nightmares decided to ruin your evening, you'll know what I'm talking about.
ReplyDeleteI'm also toying with the idea of letting a bit of a comedic theme run through much of the story.
For me, it will be a challenge to blend the three elements together, but I think it will be very rewarding if I can work it out.
I guess, when I sit down to write, I will have to let the story plot its own course. It could -- and probably will -- be that I'll end up with something completely different, when all is said and done.
And THAT is the funnest part of writing!
You bet it is! It's all about challenges. And, if you succeed, that means more to me than anything. I love a humorous tone to books...that's just me, but that's a great selling point. Keep on!
ReplyDeleteFor fantasy set in the modern world -- aka urban fantasy -- check out Mercedes Lackey's Bedlam's Bard series. There are 3 books, each co-written with someone, but I don't remember exactly who. It seems like there's another urban fantasy author I like, but I can't think of who it is right now.
ReplyDelete