Noah Baird wanted to attend the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College, but his grades weren’t good enough (who knew?). However, his grades were good enough to fly for the U.S. Navy (again, who knew?), where he spent 14 years until the government figured out surfers don’t make the best military aviators. He has also tried to be a stand-up comedian in Hawaii for Japanese tourists where the language barrier really screwed up some great jokes. On the bright side, a sailboat was named after the punchline of one of his jokes.
He has several political satire pieces published on The Spoof under the pen name orioncrew. Noah received his bachelors in Historical and Political Sciences from Chaminade University, where he graduated magna cum laude. He knows nothing about hoaxing Bigfoot. Donations to Clarity is his first novel.
Connect with him at Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Noah-Baird-Writer/100193913390453.
About Donations to Clarity
The plan was simple: hoax bigfoot, then sell tours to bigfoot enthusiasts. The plan wasn’t brilliant, and neither were Harry, Earl, and Patch. The three chemical-abusing friends only wanted to avoid the 9 to 5 rat race, but their antics attract the attention of a real bigfoot. When the misogynistic Earl is mistaken for a female bigfoot by the nearsighted creature and captured; it is just the beginning of their problems.
The U.S. Government has a plan to naturalize the mythical creatures living within the U.S. borders. The problem is the plan needs to be carried out carefully. You can’t just drop little green men and Sasquatch in the middle of Walmart without warning Ma and Pa Taxpayer. The naturalization program is not ready to be set into motion, and the rogue bigfoot is bringing too much attention to itself, including a feisty investigative reporter who uncovers the truth of the government conspiracy and two bigfoot researchers. No longer able to contain the situation, government agents are tasked with eliminating the bigfoot and all witnesses.
Between bong hits and water balloon fights, Harry and Patch come up with a plan to save Earl and the lovestruck bigfoot. Where do you hide a giant, mythical creature? In an insane asylum, because who is going to listen to them?
Along the way, the three friends learn Star Wars was a government training film for children, the truth behind Elvis meeting President Nixon, and the significance of the weight of the human turd.
Q: Welcome to The Writer's Life, Noah. Can you tell us how long you’ve been writing and how your journey led to writing your latest book, Donations to Clarity?
A: I don’t tell many people this, but I feel like we have a connection. The book is an autobiography. I hoaxed Bigfoot so I could open a Bigfoot tour company. I was captured by a Bigfoot because, I can only assume, he thought I was a female Bigfoot. Bigfoot tried to make me his sex slave, but I escaped with the help of the world’s only Julian Lennon impersonator. It’s all true.
Q: I love your title! Can you tell us why you chose it?
A: I couldn’t think of anything better. I like those play on words, like ‘nerds of prey,' ‘soldier of misfortune,' or ‘the weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.' I also wanted to stay away from the typical something-dark-goes-bump-in-the-night Bigfoot titles.
Q: Why did you believe your book should be published?
A: I thought it was really funny. There’s an old Chinese proverb about only a fool laughs at their own joke. It turns out, if you laugh at the jokes you write down, it will get published (Take that, Mr. Chinese Philosopher!).
When I was writing the book, the only news seemed to be the roadside-bomb-of-the-day stories. The economy was in the dumps. Nine percent of the population was laid off. For the first time in our nation’s history, we’d given a black man the worst job in America, I noticed I wasn’t losing my hair; it just decided to grow out of my ears, nose, and butt-a great deal of tragic things were going on. I wanted to write something which might take people’s mind of that.
Q: We all know that publishers can’t do all of the publicity and that some lies on the author. What has your publisher done so far to publicize the book and what have you done?
A: The publisher announced the book release and through blogs, etc. I’ve tried several things to promote my book, but I haven’t found the magic combination yet. I wrote a chapter just using Pearl Jam song lyrics. I thought, once the book was published, I could tap into their fan base. I was wrong. I’ve gone into the band’s chat rooms, pretending to be someone else, and mentioned the book. It didn’t work.
I’m working with the Texas Department of Corrections to have the book distributed to death row inmates. They’re going to die (It is Texas. They have an express lane to the electric chair). They might as well go out with a smile. I’m a humanitarian in that way. The plan isn’t good for maintaining a long-term fanbase, so I’m thinking of some other options.
Q: What book on the market can it compare to? How is it different? What makes your book special?
A: I don’t realy think it’s like anything on the market. I’m told it’s very similar to Christopher Moore’s style, but not one particular book. I had a tough time getting published. The fiction editors thought it was a humor novel. The humor editors just thought it was a joke. The thriller editors thought it was science fiction. The sci-fi editors thought it was romance (those guys have some strange ideas on love). I wrote tofu; that’s what sets my book apart from the others.
Q: Open to a random page in your book. Can you tell us what is happening?
A: Bigfoot is smoking cigarettes with a patient of a mental institute.
Q: Do you plan subsequent books?
A: I’m in a time warp right now, which has been screwing up my work. I’ve noticed Thanksgiving is only a grocery store holiday. Other stores go from Halloween to Christmas. I’m in a holiday savings time warp.
I am working on a book of the secret lives of Jewish hand models. I’m thinking of calling it The Hand that Rocks the Dradle or Mapplethorpe’s Angry Fist.
The idea came to me while I was helping an old man try on thong underwear. I run a charity to help elderly transvestites. There are organizations that will bring them food and take them to the doctor. There aren’t any that will help them glue the feathers back in their boas. It is called: New Thongs for Old Dongs. Anyway, I was staring at the business end of an eighty-six year old retired drag queen’s sagging butt, and the idea just hit me. It’s weird how ideas come to me when I’m in a zone.
Q: Thank you for your interview, Noah. Do you have any final words?
A: Go buy the book!
Giveaways, Contests & Prizes!
To celebrate the release of Noah’s book, Donations to Clarity, he will be attending the Pump Up Your Book Live! November Author Chat / Book Giveaway Party on Friday, November 18. This is the perfect opportunity to ask Noah anything on a one on one basis. Plus, he’s giving away a copy of his book to one lucky person who participates in the chat!
Click here to find out more details!
Donations to Clarity Virtual Book Publicity Tour Schedule
Tuesday, November 1
Interviewed at Pump Up Your Book
Wednesday, November 2
Interviewed at Beyond the Books
Thursday, November 3
Guest blogging at Reviews by Molly
Friday, November 4
Book spotlighted at Book Marketing Buzz
Monday, November 7
Interviewed at The Hot Author Report
Tuesday, November 8
Interviewed at The Writer’s Life
Wednesday, November 9
Interviewed at Review From Here
Thursday, November 10
Guest blogging at As the Pages Turn
Friday, November 11
Interviewed at Blogcritics
Monday, November 14
Interviewed at The Plot Thickens
Tuesday, Novemer 15
Guest blogging at Night Owl Reviews
Thursday, November 17
Interviewed at Examiner
Monday, November 21
Guest blogging at Literal Exposure
Tuesday, November 22
Guest blogging at Writing Daze
Monday, December 5
Book reviewed at Between the Pages
Tuesday, December 6
Interviewed at Book Marketing Buzz
Wednesday, December 7
Book reviewed at Family Reads
Thursday, December 8
Guest blogging at Mad Moose Mama
Friday, December 9
Book reviewed at Mad Moose Mama
Monday, December 12
Book reviewed at Twisting the Lens
Tuesday, December 13
Interviewed LIVE at Blog Talk Radio’s A Book and a Chat
Wednesday, December 14
Interviewed at The Book Connection
Thursday, December 15
Guest blogging at The Book Faery Reviews
Friday, December 16
Chat with Noah at Pump Up Your Book December Authors on Tour Facebook Party! (link coming soon)